Dumb and Dumber

The older I get, the dumber I get. I've gone from believing I had superior intelligence, to thinking I had above average intelligence, to feeling fairly average, to wondering what in the hell happened to my brain?

I was lied to. I was told I was smart. All through my life I was told I was smart. But I'm not. What happened?

Grades came easy to me as a kid. But I was lazy. So I scored B's with little effort and very poor attendance. Grades that my friends would study and stress over I would achieve by half-assing my way through assignments and showing up to class on test days. I took this as evidence of my own intelligence. But somehow I was wrong. It has occurred to me that rather than my own mind being exceptional, it's possible I was just surrounded by people who were simple, making me appear smarter than I really was.

In my professional life, I started out stumbling into a career at a much younger age than most. I seemed special. Particularly since as with most of my life, the effort I exerted to achieve my status was minimal. But then something happened. I was suddenly surrounded by people who were smarter than me. And something else happened. I got older. And I didn't move up. I kept getting older and I kept not getting promotions.

So I realized I needed to work. I needed to do something to get ahead. And I did. To the best of my ability. I tried. I did what I was told and tried to make myself visible. But nothing. And everyone around me was getting smarter and smarter.

After an eight year career, I left my job to play house. My second child was born so I became a stay at home mommy. And I became even dumber. I became, and am now, so closed off from the world that often subjects that used to enthrall me now leave me confused and feeling like an idiot. Politics used to be my topic. I would jump at the opportunity to get involved in a debate over the latest ballot issue. In the last primary election, I chose my candidate based on who my husband was voting for. I am that woman. I am ashamed. But somehow in my mind, it was better than not voting at all.

When the tv is on, it is on cartoons. So I do not get my exposure to the news that I used to get. I do not listen to talk radio anymore because my daughter finds it boring. And frankly, I am never in the car long enough anymore to listen to enough of a show to learn anything anyway. While my days are filled mostly with kid related activities that do not require much, if any, brainpower, I understand that I could make an effort to involve myself in cerebral activities. Right now the most intellectual activity I engage in in any given month is my two hour monthly book club meeting. And even though I hate that I feel so dumb now, for some reason I have no motivation to get involved in any other activities.

Ignorance is bliss? Sometimes I believe it is true. The last book I read, "The Center of Everything" by Laura Moriarty had a line in it where the author (who was about thirteen at the time) said that maybe it's easier to not think about things. And isn't that the truth? It's easier to not think about the problems of the world, the geo-political state of the planet, war, current events, or anything really that is outside of your immediate bubble. I like my bubble. It's comfortable. But damn, do I feel stupid sometimes!