Living for Today

One of my closest girlfriends is Christian. We are constantly discussing religion. She is fascinated and confused by my lack of faith. She frequently questions my reasoning. She can't understand how I can not believe in miracles and a higher power. She can't understand how someone can live a good and moral life without fear of retribution in the after-life. She can't understand how I, as an Atheist, can possibly be a good human being. Even though she knows that I am in fact a very good and moral person.

A few days ago, during a girls night out, we of course got on the subject of religion, afterlife, heaven, and all of that good stuff. She told me how sad she is that I am living my life thinking that when I die, everything ends. It is sad that in my mind I will just cease to exist.

She then went on to state that she couldn't understand why I am not living my life to the fullest. As a Christian, she believes that her life will truly begin when she dies. Once she gets to heaven, there will be no pain, no worries, no stress and she can do basically anything she pleases. But for me, since I believe my time is finite, why am I not living a more exciting and fulfilling life?

This question caught me off-guard. Not because the religious aspect of it has any meaning for me. But the fact that the fullness of my life was being called into question startled me.

I am a mother of two. I have a happy marriage and a wonderful husband. We own a home. Two cats, two dogs. We take annual vacations. I am privileged enough to stay home with my amazing kids. I have a great relationship with my mother. I have enough friends to fill my social calendar. What else could I possibly want out of life?

I was sad.

I suppose I can see how others would see my life and think it is not exciting. I have acknowledged to myself a number of times that if at the age of eighteen I had looked twelve years into the future and seen the life I live today, I would have been horrified. Terrified of my own future, my own destiny.

But that would have been my perception at eighteen. My perception of my life now, at thirty-one years of age, is that it is an amazing life. Everything would be easier if we had more money. But money is not important. The things in life that matter are ever-present in my life. How could I be more fulfilled?

It is impossible to look at someone else's life and try to determine whether or not they are living life to its fullest. For some, their career is what brings them fulfillment. For others, it is adrenaline and adventure. For me, and I suspect for the majority of the human population, it is family. It is love. It is home and security.

There are so many things I still want to do in my lifetime. I want to travel to Greece. I want to take a cruise. I want to go to grad school. I want to pursue a career that will benefit my fellow human beings. I'm only thirty-one. And I feel like I'm still young enough that I have plenty of time to do all these things.

So many of the aspirations I had in my younger years have been post-poned, or even cancelled, because I chose to have a family. I would have loved to have served in the Peace Corps. But when the time came to consider that path, I knew that meant postponing parenthood for more years than I was willing. And so I chose not to pursue that route.

When I was younger, I had always assumed that I would be earning six figures by my mid-thirties. But I am now a stay at home mom. Clearly I will not be a big money earner anytime soon. And I'm okay with that now.

I know that there are plenty of things I cannot do now that I had intended to do. But I also know that there is no one on this earth that has brought me more happiness than my children. There is no experience that I could have gone through that would be more wondrous than hearing a baby laugh for the first time, watching them learn to walk, or taking them to their first day of school. Nothing I gave up would fill my heart more than having my kind and wonderful husband to wrap my arms around at the end of my day.

So I am living for here. I do not have infinity to look forward to. All I have are the eighty years I'll be granted on this earth. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how fortunate I am to be living the life I'm living. I've been so lucky in most aspects of my life. I am fulfilled. I am happy. I'm looking forward to fifty more years of adventures. And the choices I've made have given me the ability to look forward to sharing those adventures with three amazing people; my husband, my daughter, and my son.

My daughter wants two mommies and two daddies. She told me this the other day. She thinks it would be "cool." I suppose when you're five, the idea of having twice as many people to dote on you isn't so bad.

Early in my years as a parent, I realized that so long as I have something to say about it, my children will always have two parents living in the same house. I realized their lives would be easier for it. And as difficult as life is, I don't want something I can control to add more difficulty to their lives. So yes, I'm among the part of society that believes it is best for couples to stay together for the sake of the children.

Fortunately I live within the confines of a happy and loving marriage. So living up to this ideal hasn't been difficult at all thus far. But now it turns out that this isn't want my eldest child wants.

I understand she's five. I understand that she doesn't comprehend what this implies. In spite of my explanation that in order for Mommy and Daddy to marry other people, we couldn't be married to each other anymore. We wouldn't all live in the same house anymore. She would live part of the time with me and part of the time with Daddy. She smiles and nods eagerly as though this is the best idea she's ever had.

I know that she doesn't know that there are millions of children in the world who dream of the day when their parents will be reunited, bringing together the happy family and restoring order to their world. I know she doesn't know that she is lucky and that all in all, her life is easier for having both of her parents in the same home. Yet I am still saddened by her request.

Obviously, no matter how much she wants her father and I to get married to another man and woman so she can have two mommies and two daddies, this isn't going to happen. And we have told her so. But there is a part of me that is almost offended at the request, even though it is from a five year old. Here I've been feeling so proud of myself for giving my children the ideal nuclear family, *as defined by family values institutes across the country, and it turns out that isn't even what they want. It is a hopeless chase. Assuming we can please our children. Assuming we can give them what is best. No matter what we provide for them, no matter what efforts we make, no matter how simple the assumption, it will be wrong. They will always want the opposite of what they have.

My daughter is doomed. She will never have the broken family that she thinks she wants. Two bedrooms, twice the toys, twice the clothes, parents pandering to the kids out of guilt. I can see the appeal.

It's just too bad for my daughter that my husband and I actually love each other.